And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
