I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY