I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes