I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP