just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes