I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridgeðŸ¤”
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
People Are Arguing Over This Guyâ€™s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If you can throw 105 mph itâ€™s mandatory that youâ€™re hung.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.