worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?