I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga