I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him