She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
..pick me up at 8.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?