I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend