...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.