Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.