Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think my moral compass just broke
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm both gender and math confused
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Holy shit dude........stairs
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?