Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Send us your Text From Last Night!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Yup. One sock.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
The adults are the big ones right?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita