I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.