drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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