Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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