i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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