So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
