How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
