She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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