I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
