so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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