I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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