Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
