You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
