So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
