Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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