My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
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The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
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I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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