i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
