i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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