So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
