Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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