I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
