so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
