Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
