My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
