toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
