i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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