Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
