I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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