It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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