I can text with my tongue
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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