There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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