i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
