the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
