I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
3 2 1 whiskey
My dad just said "fuck circus"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
