Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
