There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
