So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
