btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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