I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
