Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
