I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i wish my penis had a tongue
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
