eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
