Whod you bang
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
