Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
