Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
