i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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