I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Randomize
