I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
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Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
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It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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